When Your Teen Is in Crisis: What Kids Say Helped Them Most

There is a particular kind of fear that comes when you realise your teen is not just “having a hard week” but is in real trouble.

Maybe they have started talking about not wanting to be here anymore.
Maybe they are using substances, shutting down, or acting in ways that do not match the child you remember.
Maybe you are trying to hold the family together, hold your own job and health together, and hold this relationship together, all at the same time.

It can feel like you are failing at the thing that matters most.

If that is where you are, I want you to know this first: you are not alone, and you are not a bad parent for not knowing what to do next.

For nearly six years, I taught in a youth psychiatric unit. My students stayed for about three weeks at a time. Many had been described as resistant, defiant, or unreachable. During those years, I lost eight of them to suicide, overdoses, accidents, and liver failure. These were some of the most complex youth in the country, and they changed me.

As part of my doctoral research, I sat with 25 of these teens and asked one central question:

“What did you need from the adults around you as your mental health got worse and substance use increased?”

They did not ask for perfect parents, complicated behaviour plans, or clever techniques.

They talked about people.
They talked about the adults who made them feel supported, understood, and cared for.

Not one said, “I needed someone to fix me.”
Every single one said, in their own way, “I needed someone to really see me.”

This is where we start when your teen is in crisis.

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1. Support – “Sit beside me, not above me”

When we hear “teen mental health crisis”, many of us panic and swing into fixing mode. We search for the right therapist, the right program, the right book. Those things can be important, but the teens I spoke with meant something much more human when they talked about support.

Support, for them, sounded like:

• A parent sitting on the edge of the bed during a hard night.
• Someone helping with a simple school task when everything felt overwhelming.
• A quiet, honest sentence: “I do not know how to fix this, but I am here with you.”

Support is practical and grounded. It is less about having the answers and more about refusing to let your child sit alone in what feels impossible.

When you are supporting a teen in crisis, you are saying:

• “You do not have to carry this alone.”
• “Your pain is not too much for me.”
• “I am willing to be uncomfortable if it means you do not have to be alone in it.”

Support is not doing everything for them. It is choosing to sit beside them rather than stand above them with a list of instructions. Over time, those steady moments teach your child something very important: “I must be worth showing up for, even when I am at my worst.”

2. Understanding – “Please do not judge me before you know me”

When teens talked about understanding, they did not mean that adults agreed with every choice they made. They meant that someone tried to see the world through their eyes before reacting through their own.

Many of the youth I worked with were used to quick judgments:

• “You are lazy.”
• “You are throwing your life away.”
• “You do not care about anyone but yourself.”

Those statements might have matched the behaviour on the surface, but they did not match what was happening underneath. Underneath, there was often shame, fear, exhaustion, or a deep belief that they did not matter.

The teens in my research described understanding this way:

• “They listened without judging me.”
• “They did not make a face when I told them what I had done.”
• “They tried to get why I felt that way.”

Understanding can sound like:

• “Help me understand what this feels like for you.”
• “What was going on for you right before that happened?”
• “If you could put words to what hurts the most right now, what would you say?”

You do not have to like the behaviour to be curious about the pain beneath it.

Here is the hard part: even a trace of judgment can shut a teen down. If you feel your own judgment rise – and you will – it is your job to hold that, not theirs. You can notice it, breathe, and choose to lead with curiosity instead.

Understanding is not about letting go of boundaries or safety. It is about saying, “I want to know you before I decide what this means.”

3. Care – “Show me that I matter, even on the hard days”

When life is dominated by appointments, safety plans, and school meetings, it can be easy to forget the small, ordinary ways that care shows up.

In the research, care did not look like big speeches. It showed up in quiet, consistent gestures:

• A cup of tea placed beside them while they worked.
• A blanket brought to the couch without comment.
• A simple text: “Thinking of you. No need to answer.”

Care tells your teen:

• “You matter to me today, not just when you are doing better.”
• “You are worth my time and attention, even when life is messy.”
• “You are more than this crisis.”

Care is a way of being. It is the way your face softens when they walk into the room. It is the way your voice stays gentle when you could be sharp. It is the way you keep showing up, even when you are tired and scared.

For many teens in crisis, these small acts of care were the only proof they had that they were still lovable. When teens feel cared for consistently, they are more likely to reach back toward you, even if it takes time.

4. What connection changes in a crisis

When support, understanding, and care begin to work together, something important shifts.

Teens:

• Feel less alone with their thoughts.
• Have at least one adult they trust enough to be honest with – even if it is only about small things at first.
• Are more open to professional help because they are not being pushed toward it alone.
• Are less likely to fill the emptiness with substances, unsafe relationships, or risky behaviour.

Connection does not remove every risk. It does not replace therapy, medication, or medical care when those are needed. But from my years in the psychiatric unit, connection was the ground that everything else stood on.

It was the difference between a young person thinking, “No one would notice if I disappeared,” and, “There is at least one person who would sit with me in this.”

Your teen may still struggle. There may still be dark nights and hard days. Connection does not erase the reality of a teen mental health crisis, but it can change how your child moves through it – and how you do too.

5. Where you can start today

If your teen is in crisis, you might feel pressure to completely change your parenting overnight. You do not have to.

Start small. Choose one next step that feels possible in your real life.

Today, you could:

• Sit with them, even if you feel useless, and say, “I am here. You do not have to talk, but you do not have to be alone either.”
• Send a short text if you are not in the same room: “Thinking of you. I am here when you are ready.”
• Ask one gentle, curious question and then truly listen to the answer.

Over this week, you might:

• Offer practical support with one thing that feels heavy – a call, a form, a school task.
• Notice one moment where you usually react with frustration, and instead pause and ask, “What is hardest about this for you right now?”
• Choose one small act of care each day – a snack, a ride, a conversation starter, a knock on the door and a simple “goodnight”.

You do not need perfect words. You need to show up, again and again, in ways that say, “You matter to me. I am not going anywhere.”

If you do not know where to begin

If this is your world right now and you feel lost, I created a free guide, “8 Ways to Get On Your Kids’ Turf”, to help you take the first steps toward connection at home. It is written for parents who are scared, tired, and still willing to try.

For schools and communities

If you are a school, district, or community organisation looking for keynotes or workshops on teen mental health, risky behaviour, and parent connection, I partner with communities across Canada to offer research-grounded, practical sessions for parents and staff.

You can learn more about my Keynotes and Workshops here

Disclaimer:
Please note that the contents of this blog are not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. My scope of practice is as an educator, and this work is intended to provide information for educational purposes only. Testimonials of lived experiences are opinion only and have not been scientifically evaluated.

Walking with you to get on their turf,
Dr. Suzanne Simpson
Educator, Presenter, Host of the Get on Their Turf Podcast