Some days it feels like nothing you do as a parent lands.

You try to check in and get an eye roll.
You offer what you think is helpful advice and your teen leaves the room.
You ask a question from a good place and hear, “You are making it worse.”

It is draining. It can quietly plant the thought, “Maybe I am not the person my child needs.”

If that thought has crossed your mind, I want you to know this: you are not alone, and that feeling does not mean you are failing. It means you care deeply and you are honest about how hard this is.

One of the reasons I did my PhD the way I did is because I did not want to guess what kids needed. I did not want to rely only on what adults think works. I wanted to hear directly from the teens themselves.

Over the course of a year, I sat with 25 young people in a psychiatric unit and asked them a simple but important question:

“What did you need from the adults in your life as your mental health got worse and substance use increased?”

Their answers were not fancy. They did not list complex strategies or perfect scripts.

Over and over, their stories came back to three things:

Support. Understanding. Care.

They did not ask for flawless parenting. They asked to feel connected.

Let us look at what those words meant to them and how you can bring them into your home in small, real ways.

Support: “Please do not make me carry this alone”

When a teen says they need support, they are not talking about parents taking over their life or fixing every problem. They are talking about not being left alone with something that feels too heavy.

Support, in their words and examples, looked like:

• A parent sitting at the table while they tried to finish a tough assignment.
• Someone driving them to an appointment and waiting, even if they just scrolled their phone in the lobby.
• A calm voice at the end of the day saying, “That sounded like a lot, do you want company while you sort it out?”

Support sounds like:

• “How can I be with you in this today?”
• “Do you want me to sit here while you do that, or check in later?”
• “I cannot fix this, but you do not have to do it alone.”

You are not promising to solve everything. You are saying, “Your struggle is not something I expect you to carry by yourself.”

For many teens, that alone is a huge shift. It pushes back against the quiet belief, “No one would show up for me if they knew how bad it feels inside.”

Understanding: “See what is underneath before you decide who I am”

Understanding is where most of us get tested, because it asks us to slow down our reactions.

We all parent through some kind of lens. We remember our own teenage years. We bring our culture, our upbringing, our stress, our fears. When behaviour shows up, our brain often jumps straight to labels:

• “They are lazy.”
• “They are disrespectful.”
• “They do not care about anyone.”

Your teen may be feeling something very different. They might be anxious, ashamed, overwhelmed, or carrying a quiet story that they are a disappointment to you.

The teens I interviewed noticed when adults made space for their side of the story. They remembered people who:

• Listened without jumping straight to lectures.
• Did not pull a face when they told the truth.
• Asked what was going on instead of only reacting to what they saw.

Understanding can sound like:

• “What was happening for you just before that?”
• “If you had to describe what this feels like from your side, what would you say?”
• “What has been heavy for you lately that I might not see?”

This does not mean you agree with every choice. It means you are willing to look underneath the behaviour before you decide what it says about your child.

You will feel judgment rise. That is normal. The work is to notice it, take a breath, and choose not to lead with it. Understanding is not about giving up boundaries; it is about saying, “I want to know you, not just manage you.”

Care: “Show me I matter to you right now, not only when I am better”

When life is busy and stressful, care can accidentally get reduced to problem solving.

In the research, care was not big speeches or perfect family nights. It showed up in small, steady gestures:

• A parent sitting on the edge of the bed for a few minutes before lights out.
• A favourite snack left on the desk on a hard day.
• A note on the pillow that simply said, “I see how hard you are trying.”

Care is a way of being more than a one time act. It is:

• The way your face softens when they walk into the room.
• The way your voice stays calm when you could be sharp.
• The way you still knock, still say goodnight, still offer a ride, even after an argument.

These small signals add up. They tell your teen, “You matter to me as you are today,” not “You earn my warmth when you act the way I want.”

When care is present, kids start to expect compassion instead of constant criticism. That expectation changes how safe they feel with you.

What begins to shift when all three are present

On their own, support, understanding, and care are powerful. Together, they create a different climate in your home.

When you keep showing up in these three ways:

• Your child slowly softens toward you, even if they protect themselves on the surface.
• Their self worth grows because your actions say, “You are worth my time and effort.”
• They stop bracing for attack and start expecting a chance to be heard.
• Your relationship becomes sturdy enough to hold hard conversations without breaking.

This is not about becoming the perfect parent. That person does not exist.

It is about becoming a parent who is willing to learn, to repair, and to keep showing up in the ways teens themselves have said matter most.

One small step this week

Big change often starts with one small, repeatable action.

This week, you might choose:

• Support: Sit near your teen for 10–15 minutes while they do something hard, without commenting on how they are doing it.
• Understanding: Ask one curious question about their inner world and then let the silence stretch so they have time to answer.
• Care: Do one quiet act of kindness with no expectation of a response, and notice how it feels for you as well.

Pay attention to the temperature in your home when you do. It may not be dramatic. You might only notice a softer tone, a slightly longer answer, or a small shift in how they look at you. Those are signs that something is moving.

You do not have to transform everything overnight. You can begin with support, understanding, and care, one ordinary moment at a time.

For parents:
If you would like more stories, tools, and practical ways to get on your child’s turf, you can download my free guide, “8 Ways to Get On Your Kids’ Turf”, and receive ongoing support through my newsletter.

For schools and organisations:
I also deliver keynotes and workshops on support, understanding, and care as protective factors in teen mental health and family connection. If you would like to bring this work to your school or community, you can learn more here.

Disclaimer:
Please note that the contents of this blog are not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. My scope of practice is as an educator, and this work is intended to provide information for educational purposes only.Walking with you to get on their turf,
Dr. Suzanne Simpson