Dr. Suzanne Simpson:

Since 2010, when smartphones were everywhere, we have seen up to more than double the rates of mental health disorders in youth. Anxiety, depression, self-harm, suicidation. You’re not fighting a battle only about rules when you set phone boundaries. You’re fighting for your child’s mental health.

When’s the last time your teen put their phone down without a fight?

In this Just Me episode, it’s all about your kids’ cell phones – about how we can change phone culture and become parent leaders within our homes. I’m going to give you three steps to set screen boundaries without destroying your relationship. Stay till the end of this episode, because I’m going to share research that connects smartphones to the teen mental health crisis, and why your boundary might be more important than you can ever imagine.

I’m Dr. Suzanne Simpson. For 30 years, I’ve worked with teens, including several years at a teen psychiatric unit, and I did my doctoral research asking 25 teens what they needed most from the adults around them. Here’s what I’ve learned: the parents who struggle the most with phone boundaries aren’t the ones who are too strict. They’re the ones who have negotiated away their authority because they’re afraid of disconnection or causing conflict.

This is all about regulation – our own emotions, our own selves – before we can hold a boundary without anger or fear. Before real connection can actually happen. That is the foundation for dealing with phones.

But let’s step back a bit and talk about what we know about how we can change culture – specifically, phone culture. This actually is what we learned from the cigarette revolution. I’m going to tell you a little bit about cigarettes, because it’s completely relevant to what we want to do today with cell phones.

In the 1890s, women just didn’t smoke in front of others. It simply wasn’t done. It was completely frowned upon. Even in 1904, a woman named Miss Jenny Lasher received 30 days in prison for smoking in front of her children. True story.

But in 1929, Edward Bernays, the pioneer of propaganda, hired women to march down Fifth Avenue on Easter Sunday in a parade, smoking cigarettes. He called it the Torches of Freedom. Within years, the smoking culture shifted – from something completely shameful for women to completely acceptable.

But then we realized that smoking caused cancer, and everything changed. Laws were put into place to stop smoking in public places entirely, and shockingly, society adjusted faster than anticipated. Today, clean air is considered a given in our culture.

All of this to say: we saw culture change with smoking, and I know that we can do it with phones.

Now, let’s talk about smartphones and teen mental health. Steve Jobs introduced the iPhone, and in 2008, the App Store came along. Tween girls ages 10 to 14 were hit the hardest. Teens report more loneliness than ever – more than any other generation – despite being more connected than ever before.

So how do we respond? Here are three specific steps to set cell phone boundaries in your home. These aren’t punishment strategies. They’re about teaching your teen the skill they need most: emotional regulation.

Here’s step number one. Decide what you stand for when it comes to parenting teens and screen time – not what other parents are doing, and not what your teen wants. What do you believe about phones in your home? Where do you want your family to be in six months from now? What do you want the dinner table to look like? What about bedtime routines and school mornings? Write it down. Be specific. Because if you don’t know where you’re going, you will negotiate away every boundary when your teen pushes back. This is about getting clear on your values before the fight happens.

Here’s step number two. Be the adult in charge when setting boundaries with your teen – not as a dictator, but as a leader in your home. Your teen doesn’t need you to be their friend right now. They need you to be the adult who can handle their big emotions without crumbling.

One of my post-secondary students, who is now a surgeon, shared something about discipline that stuck with me. She said: in order to grow without being crippled by fear of failure, my relationships with mentors need to be secure enough so that if I’m disciplined, I know it’s for my growth, and it doesn’t change their opinion of me as a person or a learner.

That’s what your teen needs. Your child needs to know that you can hold the line without it meaning you don’t love them. So when you set the boundary, you stay calm. No anger, no lectures, no “I told you so.” Just calm, consistent leadership. This is the rule. I know you don’t like it, but this is what we’re doing. You can say it strongly, gently, boldly.

Here’s step number three. Build connection every single day – not just when there’s conflict. Connection doesn’t start when the phone battle begins. It starts at the dinner table, in the car ride home, during those evening talks when nothing’s wrong. You can’t influence a child you don’t connect with.

So you build that connection in the good moments, in the boring moments, in the ordinary moments. You get on their turf when things are calm, because when the conflict comes and your teen is raging about the phone rule, the connection is already there. You’re not starting from zero. You’ve already shown them you’re safe.

During the conflict, stay regulated. Tell your child if you need a moment to calm down before you discuss. Hold the boundary without anger, and stay present. You’re the adult who can handle their big emotions. After the storm passes, sit beside them and say: I know that was hard. I’m not trying to control you. I’m trying to equip you for a world that will demand self-regulation from you. You’re not being mean. You’re teaching them the skill they need most.

A note for teachers: these principles are the same. Those same three steps apply. Get clear on your classroom values. Be the leader in that space. Connect with students before, during, and after conflict. When you hold the line without anger or fear – because it’s what your students need, even if they don’t like it – you’re teaching them the most important lesson: emotional regulation. Parents and teachers, we’re in this together, and our kids need us to step up.

Now, what happens when you actually follow these three steps?

Your teen might push back at first. They may rage. They may tell you that you’re the worst parent ever. That’s normal. They’re dysregulated and they’re testing whether you mean it. But when you stay calm, when you hold the boundary with love and without anger, something shifts.

They start to feel safe – not because you gave them what they wanted, but because you showed them that you can be the adult in the room: steady, strong, and able to handle those emotions. Over time, teens stop fighting as hard. Because they’re not fighting the boundary anymore. They know where the line is, and they’re learning to regulate themselves.

Now, at the start I said there’s one research finding that explains why teen cell phone boundaries matter more than we could ever imagine. Here’s what we know from global research and several studies done with youth around the world: since 2010, when smartphones became widespread, we have seen up to more than double the rates of mental health disorders in youth – anxiety, depression, self-harm, and suicidal ideation – up to over double.

There is a direct link between the use of social platforms on cell phones and deteriorating mental health. So when you set phone boundaries, you are not just fighting a battle about rules. You’re fighting for your child’s mental health. You’re fighting for their ability to think, to focus, to feel connected, to believe that they matter.

That’s why you hold the line – because their life might actually depend on it.

If this has shifted something for you, subscribe to Get On Their Turf for more ways to lead with connection. Grab my free guide, “8 Ways to Get on Your Kid’s Turf,” at drsuzannesimpson.com. And remember: you don’t need to be the perfect parent. You just need to be the adult in the room who can stay calm when they can’t. You can do this. Your teen needs you, and I know you’ve got this. I’ll see you next time.