Dr. Suzanne Simpson:
You don’t need the right words in the right moment. You do not need to have this all figured out. You don’t need to be calm, wise, or certain. When you have absolutely nothing else, you always have a question, and that is enough to start.

Do you find that you’re often in conflict with your teenager? Maybe they’re yelling, or maybe you’re yelling. Maybe something just came out of their mouth that hit you like a wall. Every instinct you have is telling you to react. I am going to give you four reasons why what you do in that moment of asking questions matters more than you think. Stay to the end, because I am going to give you the three questions that will change everything.

Let me explain the power of a question with a story. A few years ago, my daughter and I were driving home from a ski day, and it was a good day. We were relaxed. It was just the two of us. Out of nowhere, she said she did not feel supported by me, because I wasn’t supporting her gap year, because I was making her pay rent.

Honestly, on the inside, I was not calm. I thought, she’s done with school, she’s not in university, of course she pays rent. I felt the heat rise, and I had every word ready to go. But instead, I paused. I kept my face neutral, and I asked, really gently, “That’s interesting. Why do you say that?”

What came out of her mouth, and the conversation that followed, changed everything for me. We spoke more, and she talked about fear: fear of adulting, fear of bills, fear that one day she would not be able to pay rent, and what that would mean for her. In that moment, I understood that what had looked like pushback was actually fear dressed up as a complaint.

Everything changed. That entire year, she paid her rent on time every single month, and there were no arguments, no resentment. One question changed the whole year.

So why does asking a question work when everything else fails? I want to give you four reasons, because understanding why this works is what will make you actually do it in the heat of the moment.

Reason number one: it buys you time when you don’t know what to say. When your teenager says something that lights you up, your nervous system fires before your brain can catch up. That’s not a character flaw, it’s biology. So a question that you’re going to ask gives your body the seconds it needs before your mouth takes over. You are not backing down. You are staying in the conversation instead of blowing it up.

Reason number two: it signals that you’re interested in them, not just the behaviour. Most teenagers who shut down, act out, or come at you sideways aren’t doing it because they’re trying to be difficult. Underneath all of that is something they don’t know how to say. So when you ask instead of react, you are telling them: I’m seeing you right now, not just what you’re doing. I’m seeing you. That’s the difference between a conversation that closes and one that opens.

Reason number three: it hands them the lead. A question puts the next move completely in their hands. They decide what to say, how much to say, and where this goes. For a teenager who is fighting for autonomy, being heard and treated as independent is everything. You’re not giving up your authority. You are creating the conditions where they will actually talk to you.

Reason number four: a question is always available to you. You don’t need the right words in the right moment. You do not need to have this all figured out. You don’t need to be calm, wise, or certain. When you have absolutely nothing else, you always have a question, and that is enough to start.

I know what parents search for at eleven o’clock at night, when the house is quiet and they’re replaying what happened. We search for things like: why does every conversation with my teenager turn into a fight? Or, how do I get my teenager to open up without pushing them away? And, does asking questions mean I’m losing my authority?

Here’s what I want you to know: every conversation gets worse when we use words to fix or judge instead of to understand. The moment your teenager feels like you’ve already decided what happened, they’re gone. And no, asking questions does not mean you’re losing authority. Relational authority, the kind that gives you real influence over your teenager, is built on trust. You cannot influence a person you haven’t connected with. Questions build trust. Lectures take it away.

Now, I said I’d stay to the end for three questions, and I want to be clear about this before I give them to you: you don’t have to know or remember all three. You only need one question to start, and what follows is that your teen will give you more.

Number one: “Tell me more.” It’s open, it’s warm, and it hands the control completely over to them. It says, you lead and I will follow. For a teenager who is used to adults jumping in with opinions the second there’s a pause in the conversation, this lands differently. It signals safety, and safety is what they need to feel before they’ll tell you anything real.

Question number two: “What do you wish I understood about this?” Notice what this already acknowledges, that you might be missing something as the parent, that their experience of the situation might be completely different from yours. For a teenager, that acknowledgement is enormous. It says, I know I might have this wrong, tell me what I’m not seeing. Most teenagers, given that opening, will tell you exactly what they need you to know, and then they feel valued.

Question number three: “What happened next?” Use this when they slow down, when the words stop coming and they’re watching you, waiting to see if you’re going to jump in and take over. This question keeps them going without putting a single word into their mouths. Pure curiosity, zero judgment, and, “I’m still here. I want to hear the rest.”

Here is the one thing I want you to take from this video. You do not need all three questions today. You do not need to have it all figured out before the next hard moment comes. You need three words. “Tell me more.” That’s your starting point every single time if you need it. In conflict, in silence, in confusion, in anger, say it gently and mean it. And then be quiet and listen.

“Tell me more.” Because what comes next is almost never what you expected. And what comes next is where the real conversation begins. Your teenager does not need you to have all the answers. They need you to be curious about them. Three words, every time: tell me more.

If this landed for you, I have a free guide at drsuzannesimpson.com. It’s called “Eight Ways to Get on Your Kids’ Turf.” There are more practical tools to build connection with your teenager or child, especially when it feels the hardest. The link is in my description.

Subscribe if you want to learn more about how we connect better with our kids, and I will see you next time.