You ask, “What’s going on with you lately?”

Your son shrugs. “Nothing.”

You try again, softer. “You sure?”

He smirks, tosses out a joke, or snaps, “Can you stop?”

And you stand there thinking: he’s right in front of me, and I can’t reach him.

If you are parenting a teen boy who won’t talk, hear this clearly: silence is not the same as safety. Many boys carry big feelings under a tough outer layer, partly because they have learned that needing support makes them weak.

Your job is not to force disclosure. Your job is to build enough connection that sharing becomes possible.

Why Boys Often Show Anxiety as Anger, Humour, or Withdrawal

Parents often look for sadness, tears, and open worry. Many boys do not show stress that way.

In teen boys, anxiety and low mood can surface as irritability or sudden blow-ups, constant joking and sarcasm, withdrawal and more time alone, “I don’t care” energy and avoidance, or restlessness and an inability to settle.

Here is the reframe that helps most: for many boys, anger is not the primary emotion. It is the protector emotion. Under it, you may find fear, shame, pressure, or loneliness.

Connection That Happens While Doing

Many parents respond with “talk to me” conversations. The intention is love. The impact can feel like an ambush.

A lot of boys do better with side-by-side connection, where talking is optional and pressure is low. That fits what I teach in Get on Their Turf: you step toward their world with curiosity and steadiness, in small, repeatable moments.

What tends to work well for many teen boys:

• Car rides or errands, where no eye contact is required
• Food tasks: cooking, grilling, making popcorn, a late snack together
• Movement: walking, shooting hoops, gym, bike ride, tossing a ball
• Project time: fixing something, building, or helping with tools
• Shared media: watch a show or a clip he likes, then one small question
• Parallel presence: sit in the same room while he games or scrolls; you are nearby, not intruding

The goal is not a deep conversation every time. The goal is repeated experiences of: you are safe with me. I am not going anywhere.

Short beats intense.

Low-Pressure Questions That Teen Boys Often Tolerate

Try one question, then stop talking. Let the silence do some work.

• “What’s been the hardest part of your week?”
• “What’s something that’s been on your mind lately, even a little?”
• “If school was a pressure gauge right now, what number would it be?”
• “Who do you feel most relaxed around these days?”
• “Do you want advice, or do you just want me to listen for a minute?”

If he says “nothing,” you can still build safety: “Okay. I’m here if you want me later.” “You don’t have to talk. I just want to stay close.”

Consistency matters more than the perfect words. 

What to Say Instead of “Man Up” or “You’ll Be Fine”

Many boys have heard versions of “tough it out” their whole lives. Even when that was meant to encourage, it can leave them feeling helpless.

Instead of “Man up,” try: “This is hard, and you can handle hard things. You don’t have to handle them alone.”

Instead of “You’ll be fine,” try: “You might be fine, and I still want to understand what’s going on.”

Instead of “Stop overreacting,” try: “Something feels big to you. Help me see it from your side.”

Instead of “Just ignore it,” try: “Do you want to talk it out, or do you want help making a plan?”

Instead of “What’s wrong with you?” try: “I’ve noticed you seem more on edge lately. I might be wrong. Can I check in?”

These words matter because they give your son a new message: feelings are not weakness. They are information.

When to Bring in More Support

If your gut says your son is not himself, pay attention. Consider involving a school counsellor, family doctor, or therapist if you notice: a big change in sleep, appetite, motivation, or school functioning that lasts weeks; increased isolation that is growing; persistent anger or numbness that is becoming his default; or substance use or escalating risk-taking.

This is not about labelling him. It is about giving him more support, earlier, before things harden into a bigger problem.

Your steady presence can lower his protection over time. Be the initiator in small ways. Stay close without crowding. Offer side-by-side connection. Use words that build strength and safety at the same time.

Progress, not perfection.

Visit drsuzannesimpson.com to download the free guide “8 Ways to Get On Your Kids’ Turf.”

Disclaimer: The contents of this blog are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. My scope of practice is as an educator. Testimonials of lived experiences are opinion only and have not been scientifically evaluated.

Walking with you to get on their turf, Dr. Suzanne Simpson